Yo, Check It

http://crankygoestomysore.blogspot.com/

new blog for India.

You Don't Own This

the responsibilities of parenthood. le sigh. i have ideas of how i think things 'should' be, how i would like them to be. but i don't own my children's experiences. this is such a fine line to tread. i brought them into the world and i owe them so much. but when does trying to guide them become trying to control their experience?

i was reflecting on all the ups and downs my daughter has had this year with the various personalities in her class. and reflecting on how i was dragged up and down with her. i would get sad, mad, happy, whatever. the funny thing is that in spite of all of that she has come around right to the beginning. i mean that is the best possible way. she is trusting and loyal, and in spite of being a stickler for 'the rules', she is incredibly non-judgemental and forgiving. i suppose i could learn a lot from this.

i am going to Mysore.
i have a passport
a visa
a ticket
a place to stay
an appointment to update my vaccinations
a plan for help with kids, husband, and house
a moderate amount of denial
what else does one need?

Ghosts and Dreams

they appear in the early mornings. sometimes mornings that could actually be considered morning, by which i mean not 4 am, but as late at 5:30. i catch glimpses out of the corner of my eye and i am startled into thinking i am about to back the car over someone. then they aren't there. one morning there was a small animal running across wisconsin avenue. it could have been a cat, but cats don't run like that. a fox? and then further north, there it was again. a shadow, before the sun was out. there seems to be some significance but it eludes me so far.

then there are the dreams. the opposite of the ghosts or maybe exactly the same? darn all my friends and their gorgeous offspring! The snuggles with the wee tinys. Belly laughs and first foods with my love across the hall. The budding personality and queenly waves of little Anna. And possibly the most detrimental to my broodiness, sweet little Sarah, who helped me make grilled cheese and told me she liked to drink 'millik', and who i promised we would make homemade playdough next time she came to visit. So every night lately, I am pregnant. Too far along to do otherwise and wondering how i became so pregnant with nobody, including myself, noticing.

Practice. perhaps my true love after family and friends. trying not to get too spoiled with such wonderful teachers. i think i may have felt the depression behind my knees the other day in kapotasana. Only teacher A knows for sure. and then the feeling of actually standing in chakra bandhasana. wild. and then the other things that don't come so 'naturally' as being bent over backwards. those things come along, too. and also the feeling of utter exhaustion that seems to be dissipating. it is all amazing. one thing that perplexes me is that as my thoracic cavity expands and becomes more mobile, the days that it isn't stretched become painful. the contractions of the muscles as they shorten around my ribcage make me feel like i am being crushed. i suppose that is more reason to follow the program and not miss days.

one chest crushing concern has been resolved. when people have asked me about the trip to mysore, i have been feeling intense panic, and realized the other day it is because i am worried that, even though the ticket has been purchased, Husband will find a reason why i cannot go, due to his job. but i have found the escape clause. phew. that doesn't mean i am ready to talk about it, though :)

Body and Stuff

Ok, the truth is that 'yes' i have lost a few pounds, but 'no' i don't want you to tell me if you have noticed because that means you notice when i put on weight too. so don't say anything, ok? it doesn't matter. I *HATE* the societal convention that weight loss is always a positive and attractive thing.

Before my mother found out she had celiac disease she had a very hard time maintaining her barely WNL (within normal limits) weight. One time, she got sick and dipped to below anything that could be considered a healthy weight and people commented on how great she looked. Are you kidding me?? a 5 foot 6 inch woman who was barely making 100lbs looks 'great'?

So my in laws were visiting and the step mother in law commented a number of times about the weight loss. actually when people ask if i have lost weight i say no. because it aggravates me and i would like the subject to be dropped. especially in front of my daughter, who thanks to the input from the world around us, already thinks that she should be concerned about her weight. How about we all just stop talking about it, ok?

and here is a news flash for me. i fidget during practice. i thought i knew this, but apparently the worst fidgeting i do is in the asanas themselves. i can't stay still! well, i can, and i will, but D was right, i really didn't have any idea how much i fidget. so the project is to quiet the body in order to quiet the mind.

and now, i am going to announce the plans. i have the ticket and the passport and the visa. it does not seem real.

Pilgrimage

some one who i think *might* read my blog asked if i was going to write about the visit to new york. i feel like i am always walking this line between using the blog as a diary and keeping in mind that there are folks, however few, reading this in a few corners of the earth. hey, i have feedjit. i don't know who you are, but i know where you are.

did i have 'fun'? there were fun moments. but overall the visit made me very introspective. why i am doing this practice? what is the purpose and meaning for me? how to proceed forward? i learned a few things about my physical practice, but i think i learned more about the way the community dances around the source. sometimes that is beautiful, and sometimes it is ugly. anyways, the next plan is in the works.

i also learned that there is a whole lot of garbage on TV these days. I watched an episode of 'The Hills', and hope that some of my brain cells survived. I also watched 'Dancing With The Stars'. mostly it is a very good thing we don't own a television.

i really heart these guys, and particularly this song:



i regret leaving at all
i forgot i needed god
like a big brother
and maybe when i die
yeah when i die
i won't die escaping
i'll die returning to the fold

NY

it is not mysore, but you can still get a coconut water after practice. 

less crowded than it was the last time.

a little sad for me, that.

and that Guruji was not there in the flesh.

SO good to see D and E.

the drive down with Alfia was delightful! so nice to spend time with her.  and Annabella's place feels like being home. hope to see Sonya again before i go. and other people to see to! oh my. so busy!

Wherever You Go, There You Are

i had this thought while i was doing Full Vinyasa Sunday. i admit, i was dreading the experience. whenever i read about people doing this voluntarily, i think, 'do you also like to poke yourself in the eye?'. but it was nothing like a poke in the eye. it was quite enjoyable. it was nice and slow and meditative. my shoulders were pleasantly sore the next day, but my upper back was surprisingly open. i may do it every first series day.

final backbend was marvelous today. i have been trying to hold it longer than the five breaths because i have been feeling like i want to bring my hands up further, but i think D is waiting to see that i can hold the bend longer. i finally felt that point of surrender today. like i feel in kapotasana. the first three breaths in kapotasana always feel like a struggle, then i pull myself in further for five more. this is when i feel my body melt and give over and then i pull myself as far as i can go for five more breaths. anyways, yesterday i held the bend for six breaths and today for seven, and i felt that surrender in my upper back. my legs however, felt a little like jelly.

next week i am looking forward to an exciting trip to NYC! i am driving down with shala mate Alfia and staying with The Bella Anna. what fun! i will also see friends from Jamestown, D and E, who are coming into town also to practice with Sharath. in a moment of pure insanity, i signed up for two days of led intermediate. what lunacy! i am hoping i can find a nice spot in the very most back row, so that i may stop where i usually stop, and not make a spectacle of myself. also looking forward to what i call The Store Of The Giant Buddha, even though it isn't anymore, but it is still a very fun place to browse.